When our blueprint contains trauma, neglect, confusion and loneliness.
0-18yrs of powerlessness
Sometimes it's obvious that trauma experiences, neglect and distress are present in people's blueprints from childhood. Other times, it's not so obvious and this can lead to confusion and mental health difficulties in adulthood.
When we think of traumatic childhoods, we only think of physical types of abuse. We don't think of abuse when we hear "my parents were so strict" from the person who is shy, quite or closed off as a result. We hear of parents alcohol abuse in childhoods, but does neglect springs to mind? These are subtle trauma experiences a persons blueprint may contain. Often over looked or dismissed and minimised in society.
For decades, even centuries, children have been seen a "adaptable", with the assumption that "they won't remember" events, things said or not said....but they do remember.
As children grow into adults, their experiences in childhood stay with them. The good, the bad and the ugly!
Some people are able to express the hurt of never being told "well done" or "I love you", or they enquire with parents about confusing experiences they remember, but can't quite make sense of, but rarely get a satisfactory response.
Sadly, a lot of people never say a word about how they feel about their childhoods, until they are in the safety of a therapy room.
Abandonment fear, natural in all of us, often keeps disappointment, hurt and distress from childhood buried for years.
Clients I have worked with often describe too much responsibility in childhood, which overwhelms natural development. They describe feeling lonely, unheard, unseen or never feeling quite good enough for parents. They report never having anything explained to them, when they knew something was wrong. They recall hypervidulance states, confusion and powerlessness.
Emotional and developmental neglect experienced over the course of a persons childhood years forms a cluster of traumas. All the little experiences and feelings developed result in what are called 'little t trauma's'. Little t trauma experiences are big to children.
If left unresolved, these learned behaviours and belief systems form a way of being which often feel off in adult life. People report not knowing themselves, experiencing high levels of uncertainty, overwhelm when making decisions and not feeling capable.
Many difficult childhood experiences are not intentionally meant to cause harm. There has been a distinct lack of knowledge and understanding of childhood development over the decades and generational learned behaviours have rapidly become outdated in the world today.
"Children should be seen and not heard" is one of many I'm sure you have heard.
The therapeutic space is not for blame, shame or damming parents and care givers for their part in our childhood experiences. Therapy aids understanding, acceptance and change, if required.
As a therapist, I aim to assist clients in becoming authentic within themselves and aid understanding that what happened to them was not because of them.
Some parents are only physically present for their children's development, meaning food, water, clothing and shelter. Emotional presents, understanding and support have never really been given much thought until recently.
There are many generations walking about the earth with little emotional regulation or awareness due to a lack of information and knowhow.
Anxiety; where, when, how and why? Lets get you back to being you.
With so many people reporting anxiety in everyday life today, I wanted to write a short piece to help people understand and untangle the confusion of anxiety.
Anxiety, 90% of the time, has a root cause. You may be conscious of the cause or you may not.
If you don't know the cause, it may be worth exploring the anxiety and a good place to start is when you last experienced it.
Tracking and becoming aware of anxiety is essential for repair. This can be as simple as making notes on your phone, in a note book or recording experiences in your diary.
Tracking helps to identify what the triggers are, allowing exploration and identification of the problem area.
Once you have an idea of what is triggering the anxiety, you then have the opportunity to start working on finding the cause.
Common anxiety problems are linked to social events, health problems or generalised anxiety.
These indicate the source of the anxiety is a feeling of being unsafe or powerless to others, the body and the world around you.
Sometimes, experiences you've had are the cause, and there are links to low confidence, low resilience levels and self-worth.
Most people suffering with anxiety label themselves as 'people pleasers'.
Exploring why you feel you're a 'people pleaser' and how this became part of your behaviour can lead to exploration of your childhood, which is often where the root of anxiety is found.
But this isn't always the case. Anxiety can be a result of experiences which caught you off guard, or where you idealised the outcome of something you invested a lot of time and energy in.
When we experience a loss of some kind, like a job, relationship or life goal, the feeling can be that of embarrassment, foolishness or naivety. All feelings we humans avoid on a regular basis.
When we experience these negative feelings, we can sometimes lose trust in ourselves, resulting in becoming wary of making decisions in the future. This can lead to self-doubt, questioning and the development of over thinking.
Anxiety is not meant to hold a permanent place within us. Nervousness is a natural part of us, it's the bodies warning system letting us when we are doing something new.
We overcome nervousness when we learn we are able to cope with a new experience, when we settle into a new environment, get to know people and understand we are able to resolve problems and uncomfortable situations.
Learning to regulate and manage expectations is also an important skill and is directly linked to overcoming anxiety.
Sadly, anxiety overrides our identity, it sabotages our ability to grow and mature into wise and capable individuals.
Anxiety is resolvable. I've heard repeatedly how fearful people are about not being anxious anymore, because they don't know who they are without anxiety.
You will know who you are once you have recovered, you will return to being the authentic person you were meant to be in your own unique way.
It might be that you will need to get to know yourself again.